Introducing… “Jeff”

First, a side note: so many people will call a guitar a “she,” supposedly because of the curves. But really I think this convention stems from it being mostly guys who play guitar, and the vast majority are straight, so it makes sense that if they were going to anthropomorphize the things they spend inordinate amounts of time touching they were going to deem the guitars female.

Me, I’m a girl (apparently) and I fuck men, so I’m inclined to do the opposite, and anyway, I could point out the large phallic stick jutting out of the side of every guitar, and the fact that keeping a good firm grip on said stick is crucial to making the guitar moan and groan.

Hence, I decided as a bit of a joke to give my guitars guys’ names.

The white ES-175 gets referred to by everyone from my friends to my guitar teacher as “that Izzy guitar of yours” so that one’s easy and obvious.

The red acoustic… Well, let’s continue the GNR theme and call it Axl.

The ESP that’s a bitch to play, uncooperative, and sounds either growly and muddy or shrieky and whiny with barely a cunt’s hair turn of the tone knob and no happy medium, well, let’s name that after a certain psycho ex of mine who meets that general description. I won’t bother putting the sonofabitch’s name out there, and the ESP pretty much lives in a corner of the closet, so moving on…

Just got a 1997 black ES-135 to keep in drop/modal D tuning for playing some of my old songs that I don’t want to relearn in standard tuning.

For some reason, I’ve decided to name this one Jeff.


Jeff sounds pretty damn good, but he’s scratched up and could use some tender loving care, so some time next week I think I’ll be picking up one of the Gibson maintenance and polishing kits from Long & McQuade.


He might also need his switch replaced since it will only stay in the middle position for both pickups, but that’s a bit above my pay grade so it’ll wait until some time in the new year when I can get a pro to fix or replace it. Probably also get the one slightly wonky tuning machine fixed or replaced at the same time.


But hey, I got him cheap, so I’m not too concerned. Even with those minor repairs, I still came out a couple hundred ahead of the going rate.

And now to keep an eye out for a Les Paul Custom or two…