From a warning to a friend.
You can burn toxic fuels if you have to and you know what you are doing. Trouble is you don’t know whether or not you know what you’re doing til long after the combustion is complete. And the combustion needs to be 100% complete or you’re swimming in toxic waste.
Re: exhausting the topic, it’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that what I’m hearing sounds like a toxic state. I could address various symptoms, but let’s get to the root.
You’re in a big feedback loop from your intense focus on 11 as the alpha and omega of your world. It stems from obsessive force and I’m not seeing new blood thrown into the loop [ie, reciprocation from 11].
Feedback will fry your system very quickly, yes you can learn to control it and use it but learning to control feedback to stay on the brink of that abyss without falling over and without getting burned is beyond most magicians and yogis [and alas, you are neither]. It’s a dangerous balance to attempt if you don’t need to learn to manipulate vast quantities of energy to say, work a stadium or move a market or institute systemic changes in the blink of an eye.
Even then it usually only works for a short time before it all goes tits up.
For every 500 [or is it 5000?] idiots who think Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend will show them how to shoot smack and not get addicted, I only know one who succeeded. Most of the rest get burned and ruined their lives whether they survived or they OD’d. It’s not much different with emotional fixes.
I think you need to deliberately spend some time focussing on something or someone else. Detox.
Yes, it has been pointed out that you can meditate on any old thing (or any man) and the practise is as likely to get you results as meditating on the usual suspects or any inanimate object. Usually no one tries it and reports back, and if they do it’s usually after extensive experience in dharana upon some simpler symbol and usually the object is chosen for some quality the querent wishes to emulate in himself. In essence, the person is rendered on a level as the little placard with the yellow square on it or the candle flame or whatever. Or an artist fixates upon their muse to get a certain outcome, in time the original person becomes a shadow next to the imagined version of them that fuels the art.
This is not quite the same thing as we are speaking of here, though it may well be just as detrimental unless the artist or querent has learned discipline and distance enough to handle it.
Which brings us to 202. There’s not much to be said on that topic in polite society, but if you yank on an invisible chain and the hound howls, he’s yours to do with as you please. If you yank and the hound runs freely to the hills you are simply grasping at the air.
“Almost is worse than not at all” wasn’t what I was trying to get at re: 202. The tactics I use with 202 are predicated on hearing that howl. It would be quite different if I was trying to summon something I never owned before.
Ditto your statement about “behave as if 202 is already yours.”
In any case I recognize 202 for the toxic little gumdrop that he is. All his breed are extremely poisonous.